Wednesday, March 19, 2003
TGIW!
Week’s almost over, thank the Lord. I live for the day when I don’t care whether it’s a weekend or not. You know, the day when I am doing something with myself other than sitting at my lame desk from 9am-5pm. Gosh. I really can’t stand this life. I wonder what it feels like to be doing this type of thing every day for 40 years? I mean, shit. If that’s me, I think my brain will shrivel up and die before I ever get the chance to really use it.
I have the worst anxiety today. I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s because I am to meet up with a friend from highschool tonight after work. Or maybe I just feel off. I don’t know. Either way, I have caught myself grinding my teeth over and over. My jaw is aching from clenching down on my teeth all day. It’s weird when you do that without having any prior experience with it. My jaw only clenches shut when I do drugs. Which isn’t ever. So I sit here and rub my poor mouth and ask myself to please calm down.
When I woke up this morning, I thought “I can’t possibly go to work today”. I lay in bed dreading my life and eventually I decided to go in an hour late. I called my boss and told him that I was running behind and I closed my eyes for another hour, not sleeping. Eventually the nervousness that I felt about getting out of bed dissipated and I crawled out and got into the shower. I don’t know why I feel this way sometimes. Every day I deal with this emotional rollercoaster. However, some days, for no reason at all, I can’t control how I feel. It scares me and forces me once again into the realization that I need to go back on some sort of anti-depressant or anxiety reliever pill. Previous attempts at taking this type of drug failed miserably and it’s been a while since I have considered going back on them. Ugh. I just want to feel normal.
After work yesterday, I went home to take a nap. It was very exciting to get back into bed at 1:30pm. But then I couldn’t get back out. I lay there ALL DAY. Not doing anything. The harder I tried to get out, the more my brain resisted and kept me stuck there. It was incredibly lonely and eventually I just gave up and went to sleep around 9pm. The one thing I did do was make a nice dinner for myself. I whipped up this weird au gratin potato/chicken package that I had purchased at the store. It took about an hour to put together and tasted pretty good. But that’s it. That’s all I accomplished.
God, I just feel so helpless.
Why do I have such HUGE highs and then such DEEP lows? And why can’t I get my shit together so that I can fix it?
It’s frustrating not being able to control how you feel. Very frustrating. And the problem is, I feel this guilt as though I have done something to put myself in this position. And, well, I probably have. It’s like I need someone to come into my life and fix it. Cuz I don’t know how to do it on my own. I have been dealing with the same issues for over two years now and at this point I feel like I have no idea where to start repairing the damage that I have caused. When will I actually get the nerve up to DO something about this acting dream I have? When will I stop going right to bed as soon as I get home or conversely going out and getting drunk?
When you begin to really hate yourself, it’s almost impossible to find anything positive that’s worth changing for.
Some days I am okay.
Some days I can get out of bed just fine and go on with my life. Some days I feel empowered to take control. Some days I even do that which I didn’t think I could do the day before. ie: getting the job at the Gap. Or moving to Times Square.
But then I end up back in my bed, struggling to even put on my clothes the next morning. I get to work planning on working on my resumes and mailings. But the next thing I know it’s 5pm and I have done nothing to move myself forward.
Alright enough. Writing about all of this is not helping me see anything more clearly.
I need to pray now.
Week’s almost over, thank the Lord. I live for the day when I don’t care whether it’s a weekend or not. You know, the day when I am doing something with myself other than sitting at my lame desk from 9am-5pm. Gosh. I really can’t stand this life. I wonder what it feels like to be doing this type of thing every day for 40 years? I mean, shit. If that’s me, I think my brain will shrivel up and die before I ever get the chance to really use it.
I have the worst anxiety today. I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s because I am to meet up with a friend from highschool tonight after work. Or maybe I just feel off. I don’t know. Either way, I have caught myself grinding my teeth over and over. My jaw is aching from clenching down on my teeth all day. It’s weird when you do that without having any prior experience with it. My jaw only clenches shut when I do drugs. Which isn’t ever. So I sit here and rub my poor mouth and ask myself to please calm down.
When I woke up this morning, I thought “I can’t possibly go to work today”. I lay in bed dreading my life and eventually I decided to go in an hour late. I called my boss and told him that I was running behind and I closed my eyes for another hour, not sleeping. Eventually the nervousness that I felt about getting out of bed dissipated and I crawled out and got into the shower. I don’t know why I feel this way sometimes. Every day I deal with this emotional rollercoaster. However, some days, for no reason at all, I can’t control how I feel. It scares me and forces me once again into the realization that I need to go back on some sort of anti-depressant or anxiety reliever pill. Previous attempts at taking this type of drug failed miserably and it’s been a while since I have considered going back on them. Ugh. I just want to feel normal.
After work yesterday, I went home to take a nap. It was very exciting to get back into bed at 1:30pm. But then I couldn’t get back out. I lay there ALL DAY. Not doing anything. The harder I tried to get out, the more my brain resisted and kept me stuck there. It was incredibly lonely and eventually I just gave up and went to sleep around 9pm. The one thing I did do was make a nice dinner for myself. I whipped up this weird au gratin potato/chicken package that I had purchased at the store. It took about an hour to put together and tasted pretty good. But that’s it. That’s all I accomplished.
God, I just feel so helpless.
Why do I have such HUGE highs and then such DEEP lows? And why can’t I get my shit together so that I can fix it?
It’s frustrating not being able to control how you feel. Very frustrating. And the problem is, I feel this guilt as though I have done something to put myself in this position. And, well, I probably have. It’s like I need someone to come into my life and fix it. Cuz I don’t know how to do it on my own. I have been dealing with the same issues for over two years now and at this point I feel like I have no idea where to start repairing the damage that I have caused. When will I actually get the nerve up to DO something about this acting dream I have? When will I stop going right to bed as soon as I get home or conversely going out and getting drunk?
When you begin to really hate yourself, it’s almost impossible to find anything positive that’s worth changing for.
Some days I am okay.
Some days I can get out of bed just fine and go on with my life. Some days I feel empowered to take control. Some days I even do that which I didn’t think I could do the day before. ie: getting the job at the Gap. Or moving to Times Square.
But then I end up back in my bed, struggling to even put on my clothes the next morning. I get to work planning on working on my resumes and mailings. But the next thing I know it’s 5pm and I have done nothing to move myself forward.
Alright enough. Writing about all of this is not helping me see anything more clearly.
I need to pray now.
